The Working Mom's Secret: How Balance Trumps Selflessness

Why Being a Self-aware Working Mom Is the Key to Nurturing a Healthy Family Dynamic

In the realm of motherhood, there's a longstanding belief that a "selfless mother" is the ideal. It’s a a trap I fell into very early on in my motherhood journey. I felt I needed to be doing everything for everyone in every moment of every day. I thought that being a “good” mother meant putting yourself last.

And certainly the early days of being a first-time mom to twin girls helped ingrain this belief in my sleep deprived brain. I was getting 3 hours of non-consecutive sleep in any 24 hours. And I couldn’t tell you on any given day if I’d even showered that day. My entire focus was on my new babies. Which is fine, you may think. That’s what moms are supposed to do, right?

Well this led me to my moment of breakdown, when I found my breakthrough.

It was 2.30am and I was alone in the kitchen. With my own tears streaming down my face, I slid down the, holding my colicky 6 week old baby as she screamed. This was NOT how things were supposed to go! I was supposed to be beaming with joy, selflessly caring for my infants, giving everything I was to them. But in that moment, I knew that things had to change. I needed help.

It was time to release myself from the expectation of being “selfless” and start believing that I could ask for and accept help. That I was “allowed to” take a break from my babies without being a “bad” mother.

I’ve come to realise that being "selfish" isn't necessarily the polar opposite of being "selfless." In fact, for working moms, this balance is crucial for a healthy family dynamic.

The Myth of Opposites

The notion of a "selfless mother" implies endless sacrifices, unwavering devotion, and putting children's needs above all else. While these qualities are undoubtedly admirable, the idea that being "selfless" must exist in stark contrast to being "selfish" is a misconception that we need to dispel.

The reality of Modern Motherhood is that it is multifaceted and complex. Today's working moms juggle careers, personal aspirations, and the daily demands of parenting. Acknowledging your own needs and nurturing your identity isn't selfish; it's a pathway to being a more present and fulfilled mom.

The Importance of Self-Care & Prioritising Your Well-being

Balancing selflessness and self-care doesn't mean neglecting your children; it means recognising that self-awareness and self-care enhance your ability to be a loving and effective mom. After all, a happy, healthy mom is better equipped to nurture a happy, healthy family.

To be a great mom, you must take care of yourself. Prioritising your physical and emotional well-being isn't a luxury; it's a necessity.

It’s about putting on your oxygen mask first and making deposits into your own energy bank. And it’s like servicing your car – you wouldn’t drive your car for miles and miles with all the dashboard lights flashing at you, would you? So why do we as mothers and working moms do this to ourselves?

We can’t give what we don’t have. Breaking the cycle of guilt and stress that leads to burnout is as essential in your motherhood journey as it is in your career.

Nurturing Your Individual Identity

Motherhood doesn't magically erase your personal interests and aspirations. It's vital to pursue your passions, whether it's a career, a hobby, or personal goals. Your children can benefit from seeing you strive for your dreams.

I’ve struggled with this myself. It’s too easy to set aside our interests, our dreams and our passions because we want to ensure our kids are happy, healthy and feel seen and heard.

But chasing your dreams and passions won’t take away from your children, it will add to them. It will show them what living a whole life means. You’ll be role modelling for your kids how they can also lead a whole life.

Demonstrating self-care and pursuing personal interests serves as a positive role model for your children. It teaches them the importance of balance and self-fulfilment, valuable life skills they'll carry with them.

Building a Support Network

Don't hesitate to seek support from partners, family members, friends, or childcare services when needed. A support system enables you to take time for yourself without feeling guilty.

When my twins were babies I was a strong gate keeper. After all, I was the one up with them all night, doing the feeding, carrying them around, especially during my maternity leave. I knew my babies. No-one else would know them and love them as I did. So even when my ever-loving, present and involved husband tried to get involved, I would watch him with hawk eyes, pointing out all the ways he was going it “wrong”.

What I eventually realised is that different is not wrong and I needed to allow my husband to parent our children his way to be able to build his bond with them.

It can be hard to let go and stop gate-keeping and lean into our support system, but it is essential.

Prioritising Emotional Well-being

Emotional well-being involves recognising and addressing your own emotions and mental health. By taking care of your emotional needs, you'll be better equipped to provide emotional support to your children.

As moms, we too often set aside our own needs and wants. They go to the bottom of the “To Do” list and are the first to fall off it when the chaos and craziness sets in!

So take some time and think about your own needs. Write them down. Share them with your partner, if you have one. And most importantly know what you’re “allowed to” have needs outside of your kids and find a way to have your own needs met.

Striking the Balance as a Working Mom

Being a working mom adds an extra layer of complexity to the selflessness vs. selfishness debate. Many working moms grapple with the guilt of pursuing their careers while also raising a family. It's essential to remember that working moms can find balance too.

Balance does not look like a 50/50 split. Balance is about the set up that enables you to feel most in control, most fulfilled, and most energised. It’s about finding what works for you, finding your own balance based on what is most important to you. Your perfect balance will look different to other working moms and there is no right and wrong, just what’s right for you and your family.

Remember

Being a self-aware, working mom isn't about choosing between selfishness and selflessness; it's about embracing balance. It's recognizing that taking care of yourself, pursuing your goals, and setting boundaries are essential elements of being the best mom you can be. By nurturing your own well-being, you create a positive ripple effect in your family, teaching your children the value of balance, self-care, and self-fulfilment.

What are your strategies for balancing selflessness and self-care as a working mom? Share your tips and experiences to support other working moms. Let's all thrive together in the clash between motherhood and career.

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