Confessions of a Working Mom: Can You Be Career-Driven And Be A Good Mother?

Working Mothers

May 7

As an executive coach for working moms, I spend a lot of time thinking about being a working mom, talking to working moms, reading, and investigating. And I spend a lot of time thinking about my own journey.

I know how complex, complicated, nuanced, and personal this topic is. It’s different for everyone. But there are some commonalities. And I’ve been thinking about this question: is it possible to be career-driven and still be a good mother?

The Clash of Personal Evolution and Professional Expectations

If motherhood changes you so much, and you’re a different person after the birth of your children, if becoming a mother – this process of matrescence - can take up to 10 years, how are we supposed to BE working mothers?

Our businesses and workplaces won’t pause or slow down because we’re in a significant personal evolution. We don’t get the grace or understanding from others. We’re expected to bounce back to work. We’re expected to just pick up as we were before the birth of our children. Society expects it, our work expects it and more importantly we do too.

I honestly thought that I’d give birth to my twins, enjoy a wonderful 4-month maternity leave getting to know these 2 new people in my life and then I’d head back to work.

And this is not what happened for me. At least not entirely. I did give birth to my rainbow babies and brought them home 3 days later. I did have 4 months maternity leave. And I go back to work. But I was changed when I went back to work, and I’ve continued to change since that time.

The Unspoken Struggles

Everyone talks about the wonderful the experience of having children. And these days we’re also talking about how hard it is to be a working mother.

Everyone talks about how your life will change after you have children. And these days we’re also talking about how confronting these changes can be.

I believe that having children, raising children is a wonderful experience. And I can’t imagine my life without my twin girls, I really can’t.

But it’s hard. Being a working mother is hard, and the much longer process of becoming a mother is also hard.

Career-Driven vs. Child-Focused

Before we have children, our careers and our professional success are likely a significant personal driver. Moving up the ladder is important. Earning more, having more responsibility and more impact in the workplace is what we think we want.

But after kids?

Is it really possible to be career-driven?

I now think that we’re not just career-driven. We’re driven by so much more than that.

We’re driven by the need to financially contribute to our families. We’re driven by making an impact in our work. And we’re driven by trying to be the best mother for our children.

We’re driven by our own expectations and the expectations of others.

We’re driven by guilt and fear. Fear that we aren’t enough. That we’re doing it all wrong. That other mothers are doing it the right way or just better than us.

We’re driven by self-recrimination for what we did wrong today – when we lost it and shouted at the kids because we just couldn’t self-regulate in the moment. And more guilt for that. And the need to fix the relationship with our kids and worrying that we’re scarred them for life.

Worrying that we didn’t spend enough time with them today. Second guessing ourselves with thoughts like “maybe I should be a stay-at-home-mom?”

Being responsible for the physical, mental, and emotional well-being of another person is a big responsibility.

And as working mothers, we’re expected to fit this in around the fringes of our work.

Or we can minimise our focus on work and professional success to be able to focus on being a mother. After all, if raising healthy, happy and resilient kids is what’s important to me – and it is – then shouldn’t I be child focused rather than career driven?

Embracing The Ambiguity

This is one the ambiguities of parenthood and particularly motherhood.

Two things can be true. I can want to be the best mother for my children, be present for them and still need to and want to have a job and a career. These things can be simultaneously true.

And when I start to worry and wonder about if this is really true, I remind myself that role-modelling having a career is also important for my kids. In all likelihood, they will need to earn money when they’re older. So how can I model a positive way to work for my children? One where I am accountable and responsible in my work but remain true to who I am and what I want?

I can show them how to build the career they want instead of falling into one like I did for a large part of my corporate career.

What about the guilt I feel when I can’t be present for every one of their moments? When I hear them chatting and saying to each other “Mommy is working now so we can’t tell her”? When I put up my hand and say to an excited face approaching me “Not now please. Mommy’s working”.

That’s the burden of motherhood and of being a working mother.

I won’t be able to be present for every moment. There will be times when I miss moments, miss bath time, or bed time stories.

And I have to know why I work. Why I do the work I do. Why is matters to me and how I can help them understand that. I have to model boundaries – for work and home. I have to show them how powerful and invigorating it is when you find work that is meaningful to you. I have to show them that they are important to me even if I can’t always be present.

I can be honest with them about what’s going on. I can tell them it’s hard for me to miss these moments. I can ask how we can get through this together.

Redefining Success Amidst Ambiguities

So back to the question I had about can we as working mothers be career-driven and still be good mothers?

I think it’s the wrong question.

I think the right question is how can I ensure that I’m staying true to me and what’s important to me as a whole person? How can I define success in a way that encompasses all that I am, not limiting me to career success? How can I define my own value separate from my ability to work?

As I think through these things for myself, I’m mindful of the two little girls who’re watching me make sense of my journey. I’m aware that they will be impacted by what I decide to do. And I’ve decided to show them more of who I am, not just as their mother, but as a women in this modern world that doesn’t always support our success.

#WorkingMotherhood #RedefiningSuccess #MatrescenceJourney #ModernMotherhood #BalanceNotBurnout

I am an executive coach for working moms, a twin mom, a writer. I'm passionate about supporting working moms to thrive in a world that was not set up for their success. I want to change the story for working mothers.