Motherhood Unveiled: Navigating the Beautiful Chaos

Motherhood is often portrayed as a seamless transition, a natural extension of womanhood. You see the insta-images of serene mothers gazing adoringly at their babies. We expect mothers to be the Madonna-esque images of perfection (I’m not referring to the Material Girl, but the other Madonna here 😀).

Yet, beneath this surface lie the untold stories of immense challenges, sacrifices, and transformations that define motherhood. It's a path that modern society frequently undervalues and misunderstands, overlooking the profound shifts that occur as women step into the role of motherhood.

I, for one, was side swiped by how confronting motherhood can be. How it challenges me to my very core. And then leaves me breathless with love and devotion for my children in the next moment. I had no idea how far my centre would shift.

What I failed to grasp - what no-one told me - is that motherhood is about more than the birth of my children. It’s a journey and an invitation for personal transformation and not a label, with no straight line to motherhood glory!

As a high-achiever I thought if I just tried harder, did more for everyone, did everything that it would all fall into place. I thought if I put everything ahead of myself, becoming the biggest motherhood martyr of all time that I’d “succeed” at motherhood. I lost myself in the service of others, as so many of us do.

Until the night I was slumped on the kitchen floor, leaning up against the fridge, holding my (still) crying baby, thinking “I can’t do this!”

What would have helped me in that moment was to understand what I was going through. An appreciation that this is a process with stages and phases. That I was supposed to be “unbecoming” so that I could evolve and transform.

What would have helped me in that moment was an understanding of the concept of matrescence.

What is matrescence?

Matrescence refers to the process of psychological and emotional change that a woman undergoes as she becomes a mother beyond the biological event.

While not currently mainstream by any stretch, this term gained prominence as researchers and psychologists sought to better understand the complexities of motherhood beyond the physical aspects of childbirth.

As soon as I hear the word “process” I want to know what the steps and stages are in that process. I’m sharing my overview of this process with 2 BIG caveats:

Each of our experiences of matrescence is different – we may skip or combine stages and it’s not always as sequential as this model would make it seem so we may move back and forward a few times before completing our individual processes
It restarts and changes with each child

Here’s what I’ve discovered for myself:

Authors image of the steps in the matrescence process

And here are some further permutations on this:

Authors image of the interruptions and the non-linear progression through matrescence

Why is Matrescence an important concept?

Welcoming your baby into your life - in whatever way it happened for you - is just one step in the process. There are many transitions and changes within motherhood.

We’re bombarded by ideals and expectations about how life “should” be, how we should be, we have our own childhood experiences and what we see around us. But these don’t even come close to help us understand how we are becoming as a mother.

In the past, there would be others around to support the mother, to hold sacred space for her as she grows into this new identity. But in our modern times, we no longer have this.

For me, this meant I left hospital 3 days after giving birth with 2 tiny babies (2 kgs each) and no idea what I was doing! I was alone and lonely even with support. I doubted myself every minute. I was lost in this new season.

What I know now is this was part of a process where I was merging my “old” and “new” identities. I know now that I’m not supposed to be doing this alone. That no mother should or can do it alone.

What happens during matrescence?

Matrescence is marked by significant changes in all areas of our lives. Some of these changes we may have expected - like the physical and hormonal changes - and some that are entirely unexpected in depth, breadth and impact.

Authors image of the radical changes that mothers go through

We’re faced with radical changes in all areas: physical, social, mental, economic, and emotional. Some of these are shorter lived and some lasting a life time:

There are the physical changes to your body
Changes to your brain as you move through motherhood
The hormonal shifts as you move through pregnancy and into peri and post-partum
And then there are the emotional, social, cultural, economic and identity shifts that can last a life time.

Because of the long-lasting impacts of some of these changes, motherhood not just about giving birth. It's a process of becoming a new being, of change, of settling into a new identity that encompasses everything we are. It truly is a radical change

Why does this matter?

When we don’t appreciate the depth and level of changes that we’re facing as we go through this process, we can feel:

Guilt about what we think we're doing wrong, especially when we don't love every motherhood moment.
Shame that we're not endlessly patient, gentle parenting and being serene
Loneliness when we feel we need to hide these parts of ourselves and when we have no time for what we need, including relationships outside our children

Authors image of the benefits of knowing about the process of matrescence

And when we do understand what's really going on with us and for us, we can feel:

More peace & ease knowing that what we're going through is normal and expected
Understanding and self-compassion for what we're dealing with
More trust in ourselves and our abilities to navigate the path in front of us in a way that aligns to who we are and not what we think we "should" be

Moving Forward

As I navigate the twists and turns of my own motherhood, I've come to realise that it's not just about embracing change; it's about embracing the evolution of self. Motherhood, in all its chaos and beauty, is a journey of personal transformation unlike any other.

My perspective on matrescence is deeply personal. It's about the moments of self-doubt, the triumphs of resilience, and the constant dance between vulnerability and strength.

In a world that celebrates the highlight reel of motherhood, I choose to celebrate the messy, imperfect, and wonderfully real aspects of this journey. It's about embracing the contradictions—the tears of exhaustion mingled with tears of joy, the frustrations of chaos intertwined with moments of profound connection.

Matrescence has taught me that there's no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood. It's about finding my own rhythm, honouring my intuition, and embracing the ebb and flow of this ever-changing role.

This isn't just about surviving motherhood; it's about thriving in it. It's about rewriting the narrative, challenging outdated norms, and championing a culture that honours the multifaceted journey of motherhood.

Join me in embracing matrescence not as a phase to endure but as a lifelong evolution to celebrate. Together, let's redefine motherhood as a journey of growth, resilience, and endless possibilities.

#Matrescence #MotherhoodEvolution #ChampioningMothers